My Perception of Popularity and Its Consequences

It has been a very long time since I concerned myself with the idea of popularity among peers, well over a decade for sure. So, after much time not agonizing over why someone is doing 'better' socially than others, here I am again, trying to figure it all out. I suspect that this is futile, but I am wrecked about it anyway.

I never spent any real time in the popular crowd. There were a few times I could have, but the dorkiness shined through too brightly for those small windows of opportunity to remain open, I guess. Often, once it was determined (at a meeting? I still don't know how...) that I was actually not very cool, whichever popular girl had befriended me for a minute (usually in the first few days of "new-girl-dom"), quickly turned her back on me and it was clear I was no longer part of their system.

Most of the time, this didn't bother me, because even if I wasn't one of 'the preps' (as the in-crowd was referred to in Camden AR... yes believe it or not, rural Arkansas has an in-crowd... something that still baffles me to this day) I still had solid friendships. They were not numerous, but we had each other, and for the most part, the preps didn't waste time making us feel crappy. They were just a larger and wealthier group, with cuter boyfriends. That's all. Not really vindictive, aside from the occasional mockery of our Walmart shoes. So I guess I didn't really have it so bad. Some girls had it so much worse looking back. There were the overweight girls, the generally ugly girls, the one with warts and scoliosis (poor thing), the girls who were really poor, the girls with weirder hair than even I, the smelly girls, etc. There was something about them, whether controllable by them or not, that the rest of the kids picked apart. I am so ashamed to say that I wasn't exactly above that sort of behavior at the time. There's no need to quantify -- making fun of people is shitty whether it's once or every day.

All of this back-story leads me to the now. When my only child, a beautiful and amazing ten year old girl, who does not possess even one of the qualities that I have witnessed in my life as being a catalyst for mockery and bullying, is bullied every day. She's skinny. She has straight teeth thanks to braces. She is clean. I am insanely jealous of her hair. She dresses in new clothes pretty much quarterly. Her parents make pretty good money. I never shop at Walmart. She is bright and all around awesome. She has style. But she has been mercilessly picked on since Kindergarten, and with age, it's getting worse.

I have seen these other girls, the ones who think they're better than her and put her down, and i don't see how they think they're so special. Some of them have the qualities found in the previously mentioned mocked girls. I don't think it's jealousy, I think that is something people say because they don't really know. I mean, I don't recall making fun of anyone I was jealous of. Except Britney Spears.

When we were kids, and others made fun of us, it didn't really extended past the school, or even that school year. But now, kids are making Facebook hate groups, posting lies, embarrassing stories, pictures etc. online, and there it exists forever-ish. Some may say that bullying is no worse now than back then, we all lived through it, not so bad, kids these days just need thicker skin, etc. But it is worse, because of the permanence and public forum for such things. And this is why I don't think bullying should be tolerated as part of growing up. But it is tolerated, and sometimes advocated by parents and other adults in a child's life, and they don't even notice that they're doing it. So I implore everyone, with kids or without, to watch the things you say about other people around kids. They pick up more than you think, and learning that its okay to be a bully is a lesson that should never be taught.

One Month: 3 Homes

So... the Smithville situation didn't work out. I wanted to make it work, I wanted it to be great. But there comes a time when you just have to walk away from a bad decision.

We took possession of the Smithville house in late June, and once we picked up the keys, we smelled trouble. Literally. It smelled like every cat in a 5 mile radius had taken up residence and litter-box territory inside the house. It was truly terrible. And I am not a super-smeller by any means -- most of the time I can't smell anything unless its either very strong or directly on my nostril. So walking in to this house and smelling what I smelled, I assumed that it had to actually be a lot worse than what I was experiencing. And it was bad.

So the first week we had keys, instead of moving stuff from our old place, we went over there every day to spread out baking soda on all areas of all carpets in all the rooms (good thing it was small and there were only 4 of these areas), and then come back the next day and vacuum, and spread some more baking soda. I even bought like $50 worth of air fresheners and smelly-goods, hoping that the combination of it all would provide some relief and the smell would settle. After about a week of this, we decided that maybe if we just got our stuff in there, and started living in it, the smell would settle. So we got a moving truck and with some help, moved our stuff in.

We waited another week, this time living there, with all of our stuff, and it didn't get better. In fact, with the heat in triple digits for most of this time, the smell got worse and worse. Then we began to experience other problems that we were willing to look over before, due to the great lake access and small-town atmosphere. It became obvious during this time living there for a week that the situation was not improving and we hated it there. We wanted out.

Adam called the landlord and explained the situation, and as much as this could have been an extra terrible situation since we had signed a lease, he was very gracious and let us out of it, and refunded our deposit in full. I had to scramble to find a different place that we could move in to pretty much right away, and after a few tries, I was able to find a townhouse community in the Northland near Zona Rosa, for a good price. With the help of some family and a truck, we were able to get moved, again. This time, for at least a period no less than 13 months. So far we really like our new place, and though it's in a different school district, Carisma won't be too far from some of her old friends from her old school. Adam is closer to work and I am happier as we are near all of the 'stuff.' We've started taking walks as a family since there are sidewalks everywhere, too. Good news all around.

I look forward to starting August off in a much better state of mind than I started off with in July.

Try, Try Again.

It's been a while. I'm a busy gal. Well, most of the time. Some of the time I am simply too lazy, or better yet, too overstimulated to formulate enough coherent and related thoughts to put them down. I need to center myself a little bit, and I suppose there's no time like the present.

At last posting, I was still hoping to start the nursing program with Penn Valley this fall. That's not happening - I didn't make the cut. I suppose they have their reasons, and all I can do is try to push forward from here. I plan to apply again in August to start in January, but after the upset the rejection letter caused me last time, I'm not holding my breath. At this point, there is little difference in the amount of time it would take to complete the Associates Degree Nursing program and a Bachelor's in Nursing. So whatever will happen will happen and I am prepared to move forward regardless of what the letter says this time.

After living in our current house for 3 years, Adam and I have decided to take up residence in Smithville, Missouri. It's about 6 miles north of where we are currently, but the change of scenery should do us all some good. Carisma is looking forward to starting fresh at a new school, and Adam and I are both looking forward to the relaxing atmosphere the town has to offer. Right now, our current street is under construction, the barricades are literally feet from our driveway, and there has never been a sidewalk so we feel often cooped up. The new area is an older neighborhood, and the house isn't exactly perfect, but it will do for a while. We are looking forward to walking the trails, hanging by the lake, maybe we'll even pick up bike-riding. Who knows. We are both looking at this move to a neighborhood like this as a means of getting back to healthy shape, as we are both far from that right now.

All my adult life, I have craved new-ness. Not necessarily new things - that I really couldn't care less about - but new experiences. I am not exactly the most adventurous person, but I really enjoy the feeling of a new, fresh experience. I have felt like I'm in "the waiting place" for quite some time. Even though I'm working towards a goal, it sometimes feels like I am running on a treadmill that is going faster than I can. I assume I still will feel that way for the most part, as it is, simply put, reality. But to experience a different waiting room is something I look forward to greatly.

Falling Off the Wagon Hurts

I have skipped two days of workouts. My back is killing me. I suspect the two are related. When I am working out I feel more limber and spry, and right now all I can feel is pain from my ribcage to my knees, radiating out from my lower back. See, this is what happens when you fall of the wagon. My body is totally like, "Eff You."

I clocked in to work early this morning so I could have time later to do the workout I skipped doing with Adam & Summer last night. I was mostly asleep at 10pm when they were ready to do it, and knowing I had to work today, decided not to get up and exercise since that would eat up the next 2 hours or so, an hour for working out and an hour for showering/winding down. So I just slept. I wish I had gotten up and just done it.

I'm going to do Shoulders & Arms after work, and then hopefully Yoga later on this evening. I must get back in the swing of things or I will feel and look like this forever, and that's just not an option for me anymore.

I Wouldn't Say That Was Easy...

Today marks day 8/90 of our P90X workout regimen. While Adam is away on business and making due with hotel fitness equipment, Summer and I are keeping it going here at home. Since its the start of week 2, we just do the same workouts we just did per day for last week. The switch-up happens in week 4. So we did Chest & Back again tonight, Plyometrics tomorrow. And you know what?

WE KILLED IT!!

Now its important to note that by "killed it" i mean that we both improved from last week. We by no means did as much as the psychos in the video. But we are proud of us right now. We didnt wear out as fast as last time, and we both did more repititions than we could do at the beginning. I feel a lot better and i am starting to feel a tiny bit more fit.

But there's somewhat discouraging news, too. I have lost ONE pound. Just... one. And that hardly counts as a person's weight fluctuates by 2 or 3 pounds each day. I know that i didnt pack this weight on in one week, and i know it will take a while to see the results I'm looking for. While I presently don't see the results, i can feel them. This is as much about health and well-being to me as it is about looking great (or gosh, even good) in a bathing suit, or even just a pair of shorts. So i am not going to focus on the weight loss, it will come with time. It's only been a week. I am not going to stress about that piece.

So I'm pretty proud of us right now for keeping our game faces on. It is not easy, but its totally worth it.

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And So It Begins

This morning, all adults in the house were up by 5:30am and began the rigorous P90X workout routine we've all been saying we were going to start for the past few weeks now. We came downstairs to the freezing cold basement and began the routine that we will be sticking with for a minimum of the next 90 days. I assume that I will have to do at least 2 cycles to get to where I want to be, but for now I am just focusing on this batch of 90 days.

Today, we did Chest & Back. It was comprised mostly of pull ups, push-ups, and a few hand-weight lifting maneuvers, all with many variations to fill up the hour or so we were working out.

I've tried this workout routine before, and I know that it works. But only if I do the work. I haven't ever completed more than I think 3 or so weeks of it, but in that time, I went from laughing at the prospect of me being able to do a push-up, to doing about 8 or 9 push-ups, not on my knees, in less than 3 weeks. I had never been able to do one before, even when I was a fairly fit teenager. At present, I can't do one fully, I have to use my knees. But I know I'll get there.

I've been so lazy and complacent over the past weeks, months, years, etc., that I forget the feeling you get from doing a great workout. Even when your body hurts and you feel like you can't move, it hurts your diaphragm to breathe, it still feels strangely good. You're welcome, body.

I'm looking very forward to posting a transformation video after the next 90 days are up. Watching others that I have found are very motivational, they're mostly people just like you and me who have found themselves larger, slower, and lazier than they would like to be, and decided to make a positive change. All of the results are so amazing, I can't wait to have a tummy I can be proud of again. I haven't been since I was 18. That's a long long LONG time to be ashamed of yourself.

I've put on close to 30 lbs since I started my Corporate America job almost 4 years ago, if not more. Sitting at a desk, vending machines nearby, cafeteria food that, while mostly tasty, is surely cooked in loads of fat and buttery goodness, has contributed to my poor health. But at the same time, I let this happen to me, by not taking the stairs when I could have, by opting for a Snickers rather than a NutriGrain bar, soda over water or tea, and a myriad of other easy and simple solutions to ward off the big weight gain. I cannot continue on the track I am on, I have to make the change. No one can do this for me. Hard work is something I have eschewed for a number of years, always opting for the easiest and fastest way right now, without looking at how it will affect my whole future. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis, whether it be regarding health, weight, school, work, etc. I'm done with that now and I'm ready to get down to business. I'm not getting any younger, and this will only get harder as I get older.

I'm ready for the challenge. I know that I can do this. I will succeed. I will be healthier, stronger, skinnier, faster, and better for it. I plan to post weekly updates on my progress, just for extra self-motivation. If people know I'm doing it, this will be more difficult to quit. And I don't want to quit. Hurdle 1 was just getting started. Now that hurdle has been surpassed, the next hurdle - and it's a big one - is to keep pushing play, keep doing it every day until I have reached my goals.

Everything Is Awesome

This weekend was awesome. It wasn't exciting, thrilling, exhilarating, or enthralling, but, it was awesome. Let me tell you why.

For those of you who have never watched a TED talk, stop right now and go to TED.com. Pick any video and watch. Usually they run less than 20 minutes, some even less. But I've not yet seen one TED talk that I thought was not worth my time, and I've seen a fair portion of them. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, & Design. Their slogan is "Ideas Worth Spreading." And boy, are they.

So, back to why this weekend was so awesome. Adam and I spend a chunk of time each day hanging out watching videos, reading current events, etc. on the web. This weekend, we were watching a few TED talks, ranging from Dr. Jane Goodall to Ariana Huffington, and lots in between. We happened upon one talk by a fellow named Neil Pasricha, who authored the website www.1000awesomethings.com and penned a book, "The Book of Awesome."

What he had to say was so heartfelt and amazing, that it inspired this blog post, and also inspired me to look for the awesome in the everyday. His story isn't especially unique, in that he suffered a few personal tragedies and came out on the other side a better person for it. This isn't a new theme, but for some reason his words seemed to be exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly what I need to try to remember each day in order to live my A+ life.

Bad things will happen to me. Bad things have happened to me. This will not define me.

Good things will happen to me. Good things have happened to me. And this will not define me either.

So, in support of reaching the A+ Life, I give you this gift. See the awesome in the every day. Even when it feels like the world is actually crashing around your feet (and I have been there, rest assured), you can climb out a bettered person. It won't happen overnight. It is difficult when all you can feel and think is the awful things that are going on. All you need is just a little bit of awesome, to be able see and realize it, and you can feel everything becoming okay.

Here is the video, please take the time to watch. Here's to being Awesome. And thanks to Neil for such an inspirational story.

Ready

This month will go by slowly, and so will the next. I'm sure of it.

I get to mail off my Nursing Program application on Thursday. And then I get to wait, along with somewhere between, what, 30 to 600 other applicants? The picture has never been painted very clearly for me as to how many applicants vs. how many slots filled. I hear only that it's competitive. I don't know how I measure against the rest of those ready to apply, but I feel like I deserve to be accepted. I have worked really hard so far, and I'm not afraid to work even harder. I used to be, which is why I don't currently wear scrubs to work every day now. I'm ready this time.

I am so anxious to start training. I know there will be many opportunities presented to me, some I have already considered and I'm sure there are some that I have not considered. I am open to the education of it all - I want to be the best at whatever expertise I finally choose. Some days I think being full-on in it, like surgery or on an OB floor in a hospital would be absolutely ideal. Other days I think I would be happy as the friendly school nurse in suburbia or working in a plastic surgeon's office. I know there are so many possibilities that it's kind of silly to speculate at this point, because I haven't tried any of it yet.

I am so very ready to step on to the path I've been floating around for so long. It will feel so great to have my feet on solid ground.